They're all so slow

Chelsea’s players old and slow? Fernando Torres should fit right in

They're all so slow

Chelsea striker, and obviously we use the term ‘striker’ in its loosest possible terms; hell, it’s like describing the Daily Star as a newspaper. I digress. Chelsea player Fernando Torres could find himself in trouble with the west London club after apparently criticising some of his team mates. In a Spanish interview, the former Liverpool hit man was quoted as labelling the “older” players at Chelsea as “very slow”, while welcoming the signing of Spanish team mate Juan Mata. Torres has insisted that his words, which appeared on the official website of the Primera Liga, were translated inaccurately on to his own personal website. Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas has announced that the club will “go in-depth to regain the tape of the interview”.

If Chelsea find out that there is no misunderstanding, and old and slow was exactly what Torres meant when describing his team mates, good for them. It’ll be a good excuse for them to begin phasing him out. Rather than admit that £50million was absurd and they never should have allowed Liverpool to pull their pants down so much over the price, they can banish him to the bench for not being a team player. Then it’s win-win for the Blues. If he stops sulking and turns things around, they have another striker. If not, they can be rid of the donkey. Anzhi Makhachkala or Manchester City will probably allow them to make their money back anyway. It’s come at a pretty good time for Chelsea – Sturridge will score goals, Anelka looks dangerous when Torres is out of the picture and Didier Drogba will be back soon.

Incidentally, it’s probably worth saying that Chelsea’s players are without doubt among the slowest in the Premiership. But at least most of them try. Torres has lost his pace, has the touch of a rapist and could not finish his dinner. If he wasn’t so busy sulking his way through games he might find time to score the odd goal for Chelsea. He’s not only letting down his team, but also a few Fantasy Football players who were daft enough to give him a chance. Liverpool can’t even properly enjoy this any more since Andy Carroll has been found out. But if it’s not going according to plan, you might as well blame it on your team mates. Worth a try I suppose..